One Life Many Journeys

Still Journeying to Paradise

My first post on this blog recounted the story of a man who believed he had traveled to Paradise and therefore he found this actual home, family and town to be more delightful than he used to think they were. The story reminds me that our thoughts and feelings have a lot to do with our appreciation--or not--of our circumstances. What seems crowded and unpleasant with one mindset becomes fun, warm and loving with another mindset.

I'm thinking about my mindset a year later. The important aspects of my life haven't changed much: same home, same wonderful work with clients I care about, same special horse and riding, same great big dog and two fun cats, same friends and family.

In one imporatnt way though I changed my mindset. I decided to work on my remaining riding anxiety with EMDR. In a way the experience is like that of the man who thought he arrived in Paradise. I worked on what was in my head, and now the exact same activities that caused me so much anxiety are not bothering me at all. No matter how much willpower I generated beforehand, I couldn't get rid of the anxiety.

When I got some help though I was able to "turn my shoes around" and now I ride with relaxation and joy.

It was never a matter of riding skill. I have had that just fine for years. I think many people--maybe even you--have skills but don't achieve because your mindset needs an adjustment. Whether you adjust your mindset on your own or you work with someone, isn't it time to turn your shoes around and walk to Paradise?

 

 

I Invited Fear to Be My Friend

Two weeks before my first dressage show of this season I began worrying big time. How would I be able to get on Joey when we were at the show grounds? The safety net I have at our barn would not be there. The grounds are big, open and often pretty chaotic. For a couple of days I agonized over this. Then I told my trainer Stephanie and she immediately offered two options.

Big breath in, big breath out!

I've promised myself that I will appreciate my fear as a gift to keep me safe. It's so easy to dance close to the edge of my old mindset: overpower the fear, force myself to face my fear and do it anyway. That long time mindset almost led me to give up my horse and riding, one of the most important parts of my llife. Yet I have to still remind myself from time to time that fear is a gift that keeps me safe and able to ride.

I applaud those who do face their fear and do it anyway. I did that for 19 years and achieved some pretty amazing riding goals. But when I could no longer do it, I came to embrace this new mindset: integrate my fear into my self image.

I make decisions with the fear in mind. I will never get on any horse without someone holding the horse while I mount. Sometimes that's a bit inconvenient, but I want to keep riding, so I accept that. I will ask for someone to walk with me when I'm not in an arena, just to help me stay relaxed. When I'm relaxed, Joey is relaxed, and we have a good ride.

When have you been told, or told yourself, to face your fear and do it anyway--only to not do it because this is more than you can handle. Why not accept the fear as a gift that keeps you safe and figure out how to do what's fearful in a safer way?

I'm always grateful for people who share their stories with me. Please post yours in our comment box.

 

How I Stopped Battling Fear and Began to Enjoy Life

"Did you ever think that fear is a gift that keeps you safe?" Although I was seated, this question nearly knocked me off my feet. Fear is a gift? Not in my view. Fear was a demon and a obstacle that I had to fight off and overcome. No gift there.

The particular fear that brought about this question came from a fall I had off my horse. The fall directly tied to my attitude that fear was something to attack and overcome. I knew my horse was worried about the situation and I was also worried, yet I explicitly told myself not to be a "wimp" and began to get on him. He couldn't take the tension and trotted off, and I fell. After a difficult recovery I began riding again. Yet...

More than a year later I was having nightmares about getting hurt again. They were so powerful that I could not get on my horse. And then the question: "could it be that fear is a gift that keeps you safe?"

"Maybe it's possible" I thought. If I let the fear guide me in my approach to riding--not stop me, mind you--but really help me create a safer environment, I could consider that the fear is a gift.

This is a huge leap and requires doing something anathema in our culture: integrating fear into my self-image and refusing to feel defeated because I accepted the fear. To be able to see myself as worthy and accomplished even with the fear as part of my self-image.

Have you ever tried that? Rather than working to defeat fear, overcome fear, knock it down and out, you simply say "okay, this fear is part of me and I'll work with it. I'll let it guide me to safer ways to do what I want to do."

When I was just out of college I was alone in a big city. I met a guy who had lots of friends and they were all getting married. I decided I would marry him and if it didn't work out, we could divorce. The reality was that I was more afraid of being alone than being married to someone I didn't really love. So to conquer my fear of being a long-time single, I got married. Within a year, I initiated the divorce.

What if I had been willing to see the fear of being single as a gift that would keep me safe? Instead of battling that fear with an ill-advised marriage, I would have searched for ways to build a community of people who supported me.

How do you view your fears: demons to be vanquished or gifts that keep you safe? Share your stories of fear and safety in our comment box.

 

 

 

How Imperfect Practice is Improving My Performance

I always knew the dressage test. I'd memorized each movement, where it starts and ends; I'd studied the judging directives; I'd visualized each transition, circle, change of direction; I'd imagined my hands, seat and legs. Yet too often when I actually rode the test, the test was a mess.

This year I decided to ride my test 100 times between Janaury and the first show of the season in mid-May. 100 times is about 10 times the number of practices I've ever ridden before show seaason. Would it make a difference? I didn't know for sure but I was willing to take the chance that it would.

Now I'm three weeks out from the first show. I've ridden the test (Second Level Test 1 for any dresage fans) 35 times so far. I know I'm not going to get the full 100 times done before this show but I expect to make it to 45.

What do I think? I think it's fantastic. Yesterday when I rode for my trainer, she told me the canter serpentines were stunning. Stunning! Me! I can tell you that 35 times ago the canter serpentines were poorly shaped, the rhythm was irregular and Joey fell into trot on the third loop of the left one. Now, the three half circles are clear and well-proportioned, the rhythm never varies and we make it through and into the next movement smoothly and with confidence. And the rest of the test is also beautiful.

My point really is that it only took 35 practices to go from "what the heck is that?" to "stunning"! If I had only know what a difference many practices would make, I'd have done it long ago.

What are you trying to get better doing? Maybe it's writing, maybe it's gardening, or walking, tennis, knitting, cooking--I'm absolutely sure that if you practice it way more times than ever before you'll see the same kind of difference I've seen in my riding.

Here's what I've done: I set a numerical goal, wrote it down in a notebook and keep track one-by-one of my practices. There's a terrible myth about needing perfect practices to make perfect performances. It's not about perfect practices, it's about using practices to get closer to perfection. Feel each practice, mistakes and all, and learn from them. Over time your mistkaes will migrate from one place to another, which is okay. Will you--or I--ever get to perfect? Probably not. Yet experiencing improvement from the inside out is very gratifying and motivating.

What's your story about practicing? I'd love to hear it. Share it in our comment box.

 

 

Succumbing to Temptation

For a year now I've lived by this belief: fear is a gift that keeps me safe. And it has, to the extent that I've been riding my horse with more and more confidence and growing skillfulness. We're entered in a dressage show in mid-May and we're working diligently to ride and score well.

In spite of experiencing directly and powerfully that fear is a gift that keeps me safe, I succumbed to temptation yesterday. It was very windy and I was feeling anxious about the wind when I went to get on Joey. My trainer Stephanie was holding him, as she has for every ride for the past year. I'm commtted to never mounting without someone I trust holding Joey. And then...

I started a diversionary conversation about my freestyle just as I was getting on in order to distract myself--to ignore--my fear about the wind. This is exactly what I commtted to not doing! Fear is a gift that keeps me safe means that I recognize my fear and make choices that integrate my fear into my actions, rahter than ignoring them or pushing them aside.

Joey felt my fear and jiggled just as I was swinging my right leg over him. I cried out "no, no, no!" in that high-pitched fear-based voice, which alarmed him further. Since Stephanie was holding the reins he didn't gallop off, but he did start and I fell off.

I love Joey and I love riding and my riding skill has grown dramatcially--all because I've avoided the tempation of ignoring my fear. And the one time I did--splat!

Stephanie got on Joey then and rode him without any incident while I watched. Then she helped me practice interrupting a mount a number of times, while Joey stood perfectly still. This is the response I need to replace the hysteria. And I got on and had an excellent schooling ride, just as I've been having for months.

Temptation is all around us, sometimes serious and many times not so much. I think it was good that I was reminded about this in a way that caused little harm, physically or emotionally. And so I commit again to believing that fear is a gift that keeps me safe.

When have you succumbed to tempation and been able to learn from it? Share your story in our comment box.

 

 

Need to Get Unstuck? Ask Your True Friends

I was feeling stuck--as in sitting at my computer too many days in a row, not out meeting people, waiting for the phone to ring, and feeling like I wouldn't know what to say even if I did have people to talk to. Stuck.

During dinner with two friends I entertained them with stories about my riding, which is not at all stuck, and then listened while each of them enthusiastically shared her family and work experiences. When it came back to me to share what's happening in my business, I just blurted out that I was stuck. And they surged into action!

Right there at the table they reminded me how I've helped so many people achieve wonderful results and how my clients appreciate working with me. They complimented my engaging way of building relationships and my ability to get up to speed on the topics my clients are involved with. They also gave me several solid word-for-word approaches to the situations I worry about the most. And while they were encouraging me to step out in the world, they also gave me permission to take care of myself--burning out with over-zealous marketing wouldn't help me in the long run. Within a half hour I had recovered some confidence and could see a way forward.

Why is it that we are so often afraid to ask for help? People who like (love) us will not think less of us because we need help from time to time. These friends were grateful to me for sharing my troubles so that they could help me--"that's what friends are for" they said.

When have you asked for and received help from trusted friends? What did you ask for and how did it work? Share your stories about getting a boost from your friends in our comment box.

 And Thank You to my dear friends. You know who you are!

 

Fighting to Overcome "It Must Be Me" Syndrome

You've likely experienced this: someone says 'no' to your idea, goes on to explain rationally and pleasantly why they said no, and you only hear "they don't like me!"

I'm really trying hard to overcome this syndrome because 'no' is a fact of life across the spectrum: work, business, family, friends, hobbies, sports, health, money: we often hear 'no' and yet it hurts, more often than not.

I've tried to avoid getting 'no' for an answer, but that only makes me timid and stuck inside my home/office/narrow little world. That is not how I want to live, so it's not an option any longer.

I've screwed up my courage to propose radical ideas, knowing they would be rejected, or even derided, and tried to be prepared by telling myself it's not about me, it's about the idea (which is not me) or about the other person's issues. As you are surely aware, being prepared for rejection doesn't make it hurt much less.

I face hearing 'no'--which is usually 'no thanks'-- daily as I market my business. While the vast majority of people who say 'no' simply don't need what I offer at that particular time, and I understand that intellectually, I still feel badly. "It's not me," I tell myself, as I brace for making the next overture to a customer, to explore their current situation and how I might help them.

I found the best balm for "it must be me" syndrome is to recall recent successes. A client who gushed with thanks for my help. A speaker who proudly described the enthusaistic response to his or her speech. A team's presentation that got their audience nodding and smiling for an hour or more. Those expressions of appreciation are about me, and it's important to remember them.

My other antidote for this syndrome is to read, listen to and follow on social media, other professionals whose own businesses are based on the premise that their clients have a solid and well-functioning foundation. These practioners focus on regular small steps that increase my knowledge, skills and delivery which are built on top of a solid base. I do not tell my clients that they are broken and need me to fix them, and I don't listen to anyone else who does that.

I'd love to hear your antidotes to fight the "It Must Be Me" syndrome that seems so quick to rise to the surface in our lives. Share your stories through our comment box.

Dressage Training Journey Proceeds

It was January-cold, gray, damp and we didn't know that we'd have a very early spring and onset of summer-like weather. I was riding my horse Joey and decided that I would ride my dressage test 100 times before the first competition in mid-May.

This was noteworthy not only because it was winter but because in all my past 10 or so years of competing, I had never ridden the tests more than a dozen times before the first competition. Many reasons, none of which matter now. This year would be different.

How am I doing, now that it's mid-March? Quantitatively, it's been hard to accumulate the number of repetitions because of weather (wind) and work schedule, plus sometimes I am a bit fearful. I have ridden the test I'll be showing this year (Second Level Test 1 for those who know USEF) 24 times. I am feeling comfortable that I can make it to 45 times before mid-May.

Qualitatively is where the big impact lies. Each time as I enter at A to begin, I gain confidence from remembering how many times I've already ridden it. I know the test really cold: the movements, the placement, the required quality are imprinted inside me. I know what will absolutely work well and areas where I need to focus more thoughtfully. I can pay close attention to what Joey is telling me through his body and respond accordingly. I am thoroughly in every moment.

It's always hard to maintain at a show the quality you have at your home arena. I believe that all these practices will reduce the difficulties of the transition in my mind, heart, and body and that's where it counts. For those who think a quick run through before any performance is enough because you do your stuff everyday and really know it, I'll say--don't count on it.

The complete value of my 100 practices will be evident at the end of the show season; however I wouldn't know this if I wasn't committed to them and already experiencing the value. When have you practiced more than ever and what happened for you? Share your training journey stories in our comment box.

Share Your Goals or Not? I Think Yes!

I recently read a social media post that has me hopping mad! It claimed that sharing your goals stops you from achieving them. This was based on a 3 minute TED talk, which I watched. The speaker used one study of 163 people as the basis for urging his audience to NOT share goals with others. According to the small study, those who shared goals lost interest in working on them sooner than those who did not share their goals. Even worse than the small size of the study was that it took place one time in a reserach lab, not many times and in many circumstances.

Think about what you have achieved--big, small, work, school, family, hobbies, life in general--and how many times did you strive in total silence, never sharing your efforts and milestones with others? Probably not at all (as long as you weren't up to anything illegal!)

Can you imagine working towards these goals without the support of your family, friends, co-workers and others? How many times did someone in your circle ask you how it was going and you were thrilled to tell them about your most recent accomplishments. And when you reached the goal--big celebration, or at least a pat on the back and someone saying "I knew you could do it!"

More than any other lesson, this post reminds me how important it is to not believe everything someone says or reposts. This post came from someone who has lots of followers and who has lots of helpful and smart ideas to share. But this was not one of them.

Take the time to check in with your own "does-this-make-sense?" monitor and stick to the path that works for you.

When have you reached a goal after sharing it with people? Tell us all about it in our comment box.

My Focus Journey Has Lost Its Way

How about that? Decided to increase my focus during 2012 and looking back three months to see how much my focus journey has veered off course!

What did you decide to do differently this year? Are you doing it? How?

My reason for deciding to focus more was to articulate my ideas more clearly, to stand out from the crowd of bloggers who send millions of words out into the universe and strengthen my identity as the great speaking coach--a speaking coach who helps her clients become great speakers. I also want to influence thinking about fear and having a unified life. Yet the various demands of business, family and riding have filled my head and my focus has waned.

I've learned from my riding and other life events that falling off is the beginning of getting back on. Whether it's getting back on my horse or back on the business acquisition path, I need to just take the first step. So I'm rededicating myself to increasing my focus. I hope you'll take your first step back onto whatever path you want to follow.

Let me know how it goes and stay tuned. I'm already back in the saddle and can't wait to see what the view ahead reveals!